We’re not crazy; we’re just trying to survive. In many cases, however, the survival skills, while brilliantly effective in childhood (we made it out of there!) are unconsciously running the show in our adult relationship, and not in the greatest possible way. In fact, it can be bewildering and destructive.

First, we need to understand that our brain is a crude detector of real versus perceived danger. This can help us understand why we sometimes react the way we do. When we *perceive* danger; e.g. a tone of voice or facial expression, our amygdala fires up the nervous system, hijacks us and causes us to react the same as if we were being chased by a crocodile. So we fight, flee or freak out, which of course triggers partner’s fear and they do something equally scary for us.

The problem is this part of our brain has no calendar or timekeeping device. It doesn’t know how old, how tall or successful we are. And it doesn’t know that our partner is not the critical or dismissive person who hurt us when we were little. And this explains the outburst, which made sense when we were two years old, but makes little to no sense when we’re trying to communicate about the conflict du jour. When we’re triggered, we don’t run the data through our cerebral brain; we just freak out. Or withdraw, or say mean, hurtful things. Or whatever. We regress and momentarily become the child we once were.

That’s why we way “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical”.

We do have a resource we may not be using, though, and it’s both free and available at any time. It’s the exhale. A deep breath and a long exhale stimulates the vagus nerve, which then activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which returns us to homeostasis. In other words, we are highly capable of self-regulation and return to our higher functioning adult self.

Very handy indeed.

Happy New Year!

The four C’s:  commitment, curiosity, compassion and communication.

Commitment means going all in, letting go of other options for at least three months, while we work on restoring your relationship.  Commitment to a new way of communicating, listening, understanding. For best results, commit to the *process*, along with commitment to ending negativity, and accepting the fruitful challenge growth.  It’s not easy, but it is so worth the effort.

Are you willing to commit to 3 months of working with me in weekly or bi-weekly sessions, following through on homework assignments, attending a workshop, all with the goal of truly giving this process a chance to work?

Curiosity is an extremely helpful construct to replace judgment.  Your judgment of each other is part of the problem, as it triggers negativity and defensive reactivity.  If you find that you’re not understanding your partner, try cultivating curiosity as you attempt to learn more about your partner’s world.

Likely you are both hurt.  Compassion for each other’s pain, and the pain you’ve caused is healing.  Your ability to to take responsibility for your words / behaviors that have hurt your partner is necessary for your own growth, and healing in the relationship.

Will you commit to curiosity and compassion?

Are you willing to communicate using the hallmark of Imago Relationship Therapy, the intentional dialogue?

If the answers to these questions are yes, you are good candidates for Imago Therapy, and I can assure you that you will begin seeing improvement early in our work together.

It is my honor to work with you, and look forward to seeing the results of your commitment!

Warmly,

Jeannie

I call it “negativity creep”.  It’s toxic and addictive, and it can seem like it crept in sometime in the night.  First we were in love, and the next thing you know, we seem to get triggered over even the most insignificant things.

During “romantic love”, we believed nothing could ever come between us.  The chemistry of romantic love is a “high” that feels amazing.  During this time, we project all kinds of beautiful, amazing qualities onto our love interest.

After a while, the feelings fade because the chemistry fades.  But not realizing this, we mistakenly think our partner has changed.  Think about it; isn’t the frustration you now have some variation on what you fell in love with?  Carefree eventually became irresponsible, or attentive became controlling.  It’s the same quality, just with a different focus.

At this point, the survival part of your brain begins reacting as if you’re in danger, so it signals for more cortisol to help you fight or flee.  The increase is this toxic hormone causes you to be more irritable and perhaps critical or defensive. This sparks your partner’s defense. And the next round of fighting begins. And now both of you are triggered.

If this is as pattern happening over and over, consider the consequences:

• It’s impacting your health. The effects of stress (and related cortisol) are well documented.
• It’s not only damaging your body, but also your relationship,
• your lifestyle,
• your outlook,
• your ability to enjoy the benefits of companionship and connection.
• If you have children, be aware that you are modeling for them what a relationship looks like. Surely we can teach them a better way.
• On top of all that, it’s a complete waste of priceless time, love and energy.
• It’s addictive.  The longer we do anything, the more habitual it becomes.

We were made with the ability to fight or flee, but it should not be a lifestyle and your partner is hopefully not your predator. But it can seem that way if negativity has crept in.

If you are in chronic need to fight or flee in your relationship, it is time to get help.  My goal for your relationship is for you to feel alive again.  To fully understand and be understood is to feel connected, positive, joyful, sexy, romantic and juicy.

Believe it or not, negativity creep is really not the end of your relationship; it’s signal for a new beginning. It’s not the relationship that needs to end; it’s the negativity.  Yes there is more.  There IS a better way.  Let’s talk.  #eliminatingnegativity

Is anything more painful than betrayal?  Perhaps not, at least on the topic of relationship.  Though common (one fourth to one half, depending on who you ask), this type of rupture is excruciating, and often fatal to the relationship.

Most often, the betrayal seems insurmountable at first.  Reactions are understandably strong and absolute; e.g., “I could never be with you again”.  “I will always be angry and resentful”.

Healing from an affair does take time, but it is possible, if both people are willing to do the work.  How long it takes depends on a number of variables, but I have found on average that two years is a fair estimate.  Obviously, for some it takes longer, and others dig deep and work it out sooner.  Much of it depends on motivation and willingness to listen and understand.

In the couples with whom I have worked successfully, the repair work actually improved the relationship beyond where it was prior to the affair.  How so?  Because they both deeply wanted the relationship to heal, they did the work.  Telling the truth, no matter how painful.  Taking responsibility.  Listening to understand.  Patiently answering questions over and over again.  Compassion.  Curiosity.  Grace. Replacing negatives with positives.  Choosing a response.  Big things.  Little things. Both people.  Believing it could happen.  And when it did, both people were able to acknowledge the other’s hard work.  Ultimately, the repair work can lead to a deeper connection than ever before,.

I most often recommend that couples read After the Affair, by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.  The book is helpful in normalizing feelings, and offering help in understanding what is going on on both sides.  According to Spring, the recovery process is as follows:

Stage one:

Normalizing feelings

Reacting to the Affair.

Dealing with trauma and loss.

The unfaithful partner and choices.

Stage two:

Should we or shouldn’t we stay?

Exploring what love means to you.

Confronting doubts and fears

Stage three:

Rebuilding

Learning from the infidelity

Restoring trust

Talking about what happened

Sex again

Learning to forgive.

Regardless of whether or not the relationship can survive the rupture, we hopefully and eventually learn to forgive.  This is possible when we are willing to let go of the armor that is anger and resentment.  We learn that trust has a deeper and more rewarding meaning when we do the internal work of forgiving, and letting love flow again.

1. It is powerfully connecting in only two days.
2. It’s economical.  You save thousands, because it is comparable to MONTHS of private sessions.
3. You learn new things about yourself.
4. You learn new things about your partner.
5. Learning together is actually fun.  The
6. By Sunday afternoon, you have dramatically improved your communication.
7. It gets you out of the power struggle and on the path to the new way to love.
8. It’s low risk / high reward.  You don’t have to share anything with anyone except your partner.
9. It saves marriages.  If I had dollar for every time a couple told me it saved their marriage…
10. It’s 100% positive.  We replace judgment of self / others with curiosity.
11. Oh, and it is VERY connecting.  🙂  And when you’re connected, who cares who’s turn it is to take out the garbage!

Don’t wait to do this.  Most couples say they wish they had done this years ago.

Couples often live in unhappy relationships several years before seeking therapy. Like the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water, the unconscious defensiveness (read protective behaviors) and negativity creep in without notice, until one day we realize “I’m not happy in my relationship” and “I’m tired of the pain”. Or “I’m tired of being the source of my partner’s pain”. “How can we be happy again”? Often one person is smothering the other, trying to recover the lost connection. This leads to the other person withdrawing due to the smothering anxiety, which is excruciating and feels a lot like abandonment to the other.

These painful dynamics are reactive and unconscious, and can perpetuate for years, but they don’t have to.

If you and your partner are not talking, or the talking is negative, it’s time to see the couples counselor. If you and your partner are living like roommates instead of lovers, it’s time for therapy. If negativity has crept in, and you can’t seem to resolve it, it’s time. If attempts to communicate result in the same frustrating patterns over and over, it’s time. If your belief is “We’ve fallen ‘out of love'”, it’s time for therapy. If you’re fighting over money, kids, or sex; or if you’re just fighting, period, make an appointment with someone who can help. And CERTAINLY if feelings, fantasies or flirting with another are how you cope, by all means, this is a warning sign. It is NOT a signal that you should be with someone else. That is folly; you’ll just end up creating the same pattern over again.

This “power struggle” stage of your relationship, like the romantic honeymoon, is not meant to last. It’s meant for learning to interact differently, and now is the right time. Give me a call so I can help you create a conscious relationship. Don’t live in unnecessary pain. More couples than not leave my office feeling better after the first session.