One thing that keeps us from hearing our partner is our family history of being told who to be or how to act. Partner is trying to language their need and we are hearing it as who we should be or how we should act. If we could get a handle on this, we could really grow.
If you have been to a workshop, then you are likely familiar with the parent child dialogue. Try using it to explore relationships with other people who may have shaped you; grandparents, siblings, etc.