When the Relationship Falls Apart

The condition of being “in Love” is among the strongest of all tugs we can experience. We are drawn like zombies into this state with reckless abandon, eschewing common sense or otherwise typical characteristics of decision making. But it is no wonder, really, when you consider what is happening in our brain: the blissful glow sought the world over overtakes us. We feel alive, complete, full of joy. We feel sexy, romantic, hyper-focused on our sensual experience. We are in LOVE!

This stage of relationship is an altered state. The drug was not ingested, except through your senses, but this limbic activity has made you deliriously happy (if high) in the company of your lover.

So here’s our brain on the love drugs: dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, phenethylamine (PEA), norepinephrine, and others! We feel amazing, and If that person made me feel this good, then sign me up for life!

Eventually, however, we habituate to the drug. Once it wears off, we want another hit, right? Of course! So how to go about getting our partner to love us the way they did the first few months we were together?

You would think that one would try to be seductive, listening, attending, complimenting, attractive, warm, welcoming, smiling, thoughtful and considerate.

But actually, we get mad, pout, cry, yell, throw a tantrum, withdraw and expect someone to come along and fix it for us. We do this unconsciously and irrationally. It doesn’t work, obviously.

We call this stage the power struggle, and it is also an altered state, except this time, it’s a bad, bad trip. What was in that stuff? We feel awful. We want out, and we become desperate to end the pain.

Here are our options:

Stay in this state. Not an option without something to ease the pain, right??

Leave and start over with someone new. Is this really a good option? Please accept this is a gentle reminder that it’s not about who we’re with; it’s about what we need to learn from this. Or else we’ll just go repeat the pattern with someone new.

Work through it and get to the good place together. The place where we grow, and can language our needs effectively. The place where we can hear and be heard.

Getting the Love You Want is a workshop for couples who want to journey out of the power struggle and into the stage of conscious love. This is the third and most satisfying stage of the relationship, because it involves waking up and growing together into a completely different and more desirable place, where we can actually get our needs met. The secret is full awareness that there are two of us; we are a we; not a me. The other secret involves learning the skills and abilities to grow toward happiness, using effective communication, and loving more intentionally without defenses. Listening, hearing, understanding, and caring.

Learn how in the next workshop September 18-20, 2015 at DuBose Conference Center in Monteagle, Tennessee. I would love to be your tour guide as we take this journey together.

The weekend is safe; you will never have to talk publicly about your personal relationship. No dirty laundry! I teach by leading discussions that are completely optional, and perhaps more importantly by giving you dialogues which are done in breakout I deliver the workshop with your privacy in mind at all times.

This will be my 41st workshop, and in all 40 workshops, I have never had anyone who said anything negative about it. Most common words are “safe”, “warm” “amazing” and “connected”. The most recent workshop yielded this comment in the evaluation: “This workshop saved my marriage”.

If you have questions or want to register, you can visit my website or contact me personally.




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