A few days ago, I was in the grocery store, in the throes of the decision between zucchini or yellow squash, and I heard someone say my name.

I looked up and a familiar face smiled as we recognized each other from… somewhere.   She knew; I didn’t.  I’m getting old.   She had two little ones in tow.   Something about my expression must have shown that I was searching for context and she quickly and graciously spelled it out.

She said “You sat with my husband and me at an Imago Workshop and helped us with a dialogue”.  “I just want tell you that day changed us permanently”.  “We love each other again”!

Then she immediately called out “Honey, remember Jeannie”?  He broke into a smile and came over and shook my hand with the same positive enthusiasm.

I looked at the kids and I looked at the couple and then I remembered them so well.  I remember them because their dialogue was AMAZING and still brings a tear to my eye when I recall it.

We met at a workshop Harville Hendrix was doing.  I was one of several assistants that day.  He prescribed a dialogue called the “Gift of Change”.    Couples were given a specific dialogue to do and told to raise their hand to ask for help from an assistant if they wanted it.

And this is how we met and changed each others’ life.  They raised their hand.   The dialogue was fairly simple; their change in relationship was quantum.   That was the day they opened up a willingness and commitment to be different in relationship.   They grew up.  They gave each other the gift of change in their own behavior toward one another, in lieu of blame.  Not tit for tat, not expectation from the other, not “I will if you will”, but a commitment to a mature approach of taking personal responsibility to be a better person .  They did it “for the kids”; then realized everyone reaps wildly rewarding benefits.

Standing in the grocery store, they laughed easily and told me they still see things differently and disagree; they still get triggered.  What has shifted is how they handle getting triggered.  They are now curious, conscious and intentional, and that is the goal. They have the connection that made possible by those three attributes.  And folks, when you have the connection, who cares if you loaded the dishwasher “wrong”?

Once you know something, you cannot un-know it.   You are changed in the way you see things and you cannot go back to “un-knowing”.  When you consciously understand that YOU contribute to the frustration you experience with your partner, and YOU decide YOUR behavior can change, everything changes.  This couple got it that day and with the applied curiosity, consciousness and intention in their dialogue, their relationship bloomed into beautiful living color we call “conscious love”.   That is what replaced the power struggle, and that is why they can laugh easily about getting triggered.

Of course we get triggered!   And on the other side of the responsible way we communicate about it is a connection that is rewarding beyond description.  Pain and fighting dissipate as dialogue creates connection.

What got to me was what always gets to me in the work I love to do:  their tenderness.  Underneath all that defensive fighting, bickering, blaming and criticizing is a vulnerability, and ultimately a desire.  This vulnerability is tender and intimate.  And the desire is honorable and easily addressed without the animosity of fighting.  Imago dialogue allows us to lose all that defensiveness and get to a place where we talk positively about what we DO want instead of fighting about what we DON’T want.

Seeing the children of this lovely couple reminded me of their motivation.  Children grow up and get into relationships that are familiar based on what they learned from watching and interacting with their parents.  This couple knows their own pain from childhood has impacted their adult life, so like most couples, wanted to get it right for their kids.

And they did.  And they healed.  And their children will grow up with good memories and a healthy approach in relationship.

It may be simple, but it isn’t easy.  Life is change, and sometimes that change is loss.  Regardless of denial, or other defensive blinders we may employ to shield us from reality, it’s a fact that we will, at some point, lose someone we love, through death or breakup.  And there’s no sense sugar coating it; it’s sad; indeed.  Survivable, but sad.  Feels like a part of me died with her.  But the truth is, a part of me lives because she was such an amazingly positive teacher.  I just miss her.

I have learned over the years that throwing even the most spectacular temper tantrum does nothing to bring someone back.  It only creates unnecessary drama, drowning out the meaning that is available when we’re consciously open to learning.  Life’s pain or sadness does bring a learning opportunity.

Q:  How will I live without my beloved canine companion?

A:  Consciously, hopefully, and quietly for now.  One day at a time. Going through the motions of walking alone, remembering with a sense of curiosity, all that she taught me.

Remembering does help. Time will also help, I know.

Most helpful is the realization that I can honor her memory through embodying her qualities, like empathy, intelligence, loyalty, playfulness, forgiveness, her sense of responsibility, her capacity for joy and kindness, and most importantly, unconditional love, which makes a positive difference in the world, and THAT thought helps — and heals — alot.

But the bottom line is this:  pain and loss are part of living, just as happiness is.  We need to be able to accept loss, learn from it, and keep moving forward, becoming better because it happened at all.

Simple, yes.  Easy, no.   I live more joyfully because of her; it is now my tribute to her life, making mine more meaningful.

Goodbye, dear friend.  Thank you for being such an enormously positive influence.

Spring has passed, Summer has gone, and winter is here.
And the song that I meant to sing remains unsung.
For I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument.

~Rabindranath Tagore

Being in love is an amazing experience, which usually involves being passionately energized, filled with desire, joy and positive feelings and consumed with thoughts of the other person.  Congratulations on finding someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

Let’s make this relationship last!

Research reliably shows that couples who attend marriage preparation courses or premarital counseling and address their concerns in advance are much less vulnerable to divorce.

As a marriage therapist, I am teaching a one-day marriage preparation workshop designed for new couples to help create asolid foundation for a lifetime of love.

Topics include:

• the stages in a relationship and the brain chemistry involved in each
• basics of healthy relationships
• effective communication skills
• what to do about conflict – how to turn conflicts into connections
• how to safely address concerns and explore difficult topics
• affair prevention
• keeping your love vibrant

Come and learn how to communicate, how to deepen your connection, and how to create lasting love.

I just returned from a camping trip with Moseley, and two other friends, who have known each other since they were 14.  The purpose of the trip was to visit their newly acquired property on the South Carolina coast.  I am honored to have been invited and thrilled to witness their amazing achievement.

When they were kids, they declared, like many of us do, that they would purchase land, preferably on the coast, and be in each other’s lives always. They made good on their intention, and my hat is off to them for so many reasons.

One of those reasons has to do with seeing and acting on an opportunity. We’re talking once in a lifetime deal on coastal property.

So often, opportunities present themselves and we hedge, perhaps out of fear or skepticism.  “Too good to be true” we may tell ourselves, until the opportunity has passed.  Our comfort zone may be to stay with the familiar “missed opportunity” paradigm.  We feel safer with what is familiar, even if it’s not working for us!   Opportunities are all around us, and we may not see or act on them, because of the “scarcity mentality”.  FEAR, often driven by the daily news that comes out of our electronic life distract or, also known as television.  Turn that stuff off and live your life!

Overcoming fear, seizing an opportunity, stepping out of skepticism and scarcity is exhilarating, rich and rewarding beyond description.  This is life!  Make good on an intention, follow your passion, live your dream, seize the opportunity.

It’s that time of year for marriage proposals and committed relationships. The first stage of a relationship is so delicious and amazing.

Help relationships stay strong, healthy, vibrant, and loving with a START RIGHT STAY CONNECTED workshop. I’ll be doing a one-day workshop for new couples on June 6 in Atlanta, GA. Click here for more information on this event. Please keep this in mind if you know anyone who is planning to marry or commit to a life partnership. I would appreciate it!

The dash between the dates of birth and death is life.  Are we present or distracted?  Committed to our own growth or “confessing others’ sins” for them?  Are we grateful, or taking it for granted?  Are we focused on what we love / desire or re-creating the same pain over and over?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the present?  It is now.  Within this moment is our power to live intentionally.  To live fully into our potential.  To self actualize.  To choose and therefore be empowered.  To be grateful.  To be kind. To be generous. To appreciate our children or our partner.  To be aware.  To notice life in the precious present moment.  And therefore to find life’s deeper meaning.

Slow down today; take it in.  This is life and our chance to make the most of it.  We can let it fly by with what feels like increasing speed, or we can savor it.

When my good friend Gary Hales was in the dying process, he winked as he said “each moment is a gift; that’s why it’s called the ‘present'”.  He was positive, clever, wise and kept his sense of humor to his last breath.

Moseley teaches the same each and every day.  Speaking of savoring.  We are savoring each other in her 13th year.

Turn off the electronics, get here, now; sense, feel, watch and listen.  Notice the creatures; notice the weather, notice the sunrise, sunset, your pets, your children, your beloved friends and family.  Be kind to yourself and others.  Notice how people return a smile.

Savor the present.  Find joy in this moment.  Live the dash fully.  This is where it’s at, folks.  This is where we will find what we’re looking for – joy and life’s richer gifts.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

February. Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air.

Not for everyone, unfortunately.

As a therapist, my services are usually needed when love is no longer in the air. A heart has been broken, and love has turned cruel. Or the pain of loneliness has become unbearable. Rarely do people seek therapy when love is blooming like the daffodils.

But take heart, everyone. Like the words in so many songs, love is indeed the answer; always has been, always will be. It’s the question that needs examining, that question being, “who do you love”?

Here’s what the therapist has to say. All to often, people give their love to another before they’ve ever loved themselves, which is a setup for problems in the relationship. Why? Because until you truly deem yourself worthy of love, you will likely sabotage the love given to you by others. It’s like building a mansion on quicksand. It may be beautiful at first, but after a short time, will likely disappear. To experience a sustained, loving relationship with another, you must have a sustained, loving relationship with yourself.

I am not talking about narcissism, which is an ego-inflated sense of self-importance. I’m simply referring to a healthy and loving sense of self, and knowing that your value as a human being is at least that of others. Believe it or not, many people struggle with this. For some, it’s due to leftover childhood shame or negative messages that program us into thinking something is wrong with us or that we’re not worthy of love.

Second, try thinking of love as a verb. It’s about action. Behavior. Many people believe love is a feeling, and it certainly can be, but that feeling is ultimately the result of how we demonstrate our love, whether we’re talking about love for our self or another. To expect the feeling of love without actively nurturing it through everyday actions is like expecting fruit from a non-existent tree. If we want to grow fruit, we must first take the action steps of planting and nurturing the tree, then expect the fruit, or the feeling of love.

How to accomplish this? Find ways to express your love, and don’t be confused by advertising messages. Contrary to what the retail community would have you believe, it’s not necessary to spend money to show your love. It has more to do with language, thoughtfulness, and realistic expectations rather than outrageous demands. Refrain from language that criticizes, condemns, disparages and shames. It will only serve to create misery, not love. Instead, try seeing mistakes as opportunities for redemption and forgiveness rather than punishment. Try seeing yourself as a human being who, like everyone else, is searching. And practice a few of those random acts of kindness toward yourself, as well as a stranger.

Do this for at least three reasons: one, it’s the way we should all be treated, and no one  not even you — should be an exception. Two, because, like being in love, it sets you up for inner peace, success and joy in life. Who doesn’t want those? And third, when you have love and peace toward yourself, you’re much more likely to attract and maintain genuine love with another person, if you’re so inclined.

So this Valentine’s Day, may I suggest, regardless of your romantic status, that you give yourself the gift of love. Begin by looking in the mirror and seeing the person who most deserves it. Then love that person with all your heart and your actions. Love is, after all, the answer.

In relationships, we typically see “minimizer” and a “maximizer” roles or behaviors.  Minimizers are compared to turtles, ducking into their shell when they sense trouble or conflict.  Maximizers… well, they’ve been compared to hailstorms.  Or Tigger in an angry mood.  Very overwhelming to a minimizer, indeed.  Maximizers are the ones who insist that you come out of that shell and talk about it right now; it usually sounds like “why won’t you ever TALK to me”?   And when a maximizer says that, the minimizer say something like “I don’t know” and installs bolts and locks on the shell closure because that is the only safe place and it needs to stay safe, which, in turn, drives the maximizer nuts.

So the more the maximizer maximizes, the more the minimizer minimizes and the more the minimizer minimizes the more the maximizer maximizes!  How minimizers and maximers find each other is still a great mystery to me, but it happens with uncanny predictability.

The *growth edge* in all of this, M&M’s, is once you figure out and own this defensive behavior, try doing less of it.  So minimizers, your job is to show up more and be willing to talk about your feelings.  Maximizers, your job is to… well, be quiet and calm and listen more.  And oddly enough, when you’re quiet and calm and listening, your partner will open up, but only if it’s safe.  So no pouncing!  This is all best accomplished in the structure of the Imago Dialogue which restores the safety and connection you once felt.

One of mine was to blog more… like once a week.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm  I keep wanting to write an excuse!  I’ve backspaced several times because I… want… you … to know see?  I’m doing it again.

Change is hard, folks.  *RE-actions”.  We do them over and over again. Well-grooved neural pathways in the brain entice us to re-act with the familiar behavior instead of act.  Examples of re-actions?  Well, negative coping behaviors that do nothing to solve the problem and actually make it worse:

1) “Help me; I’ve gained weight and I’m so stressed out I’m eating everything I see”!

2) “I over-spent during the holidays; I know I did and I’m so anxious I can’t open the credit card bill because I can’t pay it, so I went shopping to make myself feel better.”

3) “I can’t help myself; you make me act like this”.

Blame has never solved a problem.  I’ll grant that it was likely reinforced as a child when we figured out that finger-pointing kept us from “getting in trouble”.  That is very likely the origin of blame.   Action—> consequences —–>learned re-action = blame.

Even the language we use implies the age at which we learned to avoid responsibility.  “Getting in trouble” is the language of a child.  To dismantle old re-actions, we need to understand them, and perhaps more importantly, understand why they do not work.  A much better way is to think and behave around what we do want instead of coping with what we don’t want.

I am here to tell you that a successful conflict resolution strategy is to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Like any new behavior, weekly blogging included, we find it very difficult and stumble at first.  We may even “make up a story” that it’s impossible.  Anything new is difficult the first time we do it, maybe even the 2nd or 3rd, but with practice, we get better and better.

Reducing *reactivity* will improve life.  Keeping a commitment, losing weight, getting control of the finances, taking ownership instead of placing blame are all *actions* that are worthy of the effort.  And if we stumble at first, make no excuses, just own it like the adult that you are and try again.

Open the mail, close the refrigerator, open the dialogue and lose the blame.  The best way to lose any negative behavior is to replace it with something positive.  So when I say “close the refrigerator”, I need to ask “what will you do instead”?  Try going for a walk or writing or talking about the anxiety that’s creating the need to cope.

Hope this helps.  Blogging weekly is still a worthy commitment, unless, of course, I can find an excuse not to. 🙂