Creating a GREAT Relationship

On my Couples Therapy Intake Form, I ask a question: “On a scale of 1 – 10, how committed are you
to improving your relationship”?  Most people answer with a 10. Once the decision is made to work on the relationship, we are all in! But wait… did I say “work” on the relationship?  Yes I did. Improving the relationship does take work. Not laborious work; it’s more like effort at becoming mindful:

1) Of the reality that you are sharing your life with someone who is different from you (not wrong – just different!)

2) Of old habits and patterns and intentionally replacing them with more effective tools.

3) Of the fact that relationships need positive nourishment, like romance, dates, fun, appreciation and caring behaviors.

Falling in love is so easy, and the chemistry of those first few months together creates a blissful existence.   After a while, the chemistry fades, and we feel dissatisfied, disappointed, maybe even devastated that our needs are not getting met. This usually creates a need to defend against the hurt, usually either by pulling back or pursuing.   These defenses cause more pain, and the pain becomes so great that many couples end their relationship there. (The problem with ending the relationship at this stage is that you’ll likely go through the same process again with a new person, and end up in the same painful place.) Other couples stay, but live a dissatisfying, unhappy life together characterized by either fighting or withdrawal. What many couples don’t realize is that they are often repeating patterns learned way back in childhood. Communication or defensive tools we picked up that early in life simply do not work.  They actually erode the connection we once enjoyed.

There is a better choice, and that is to decide to create a conscious relationship.

The most satisfying, sustainably fulfilling relationships are
created through conscious intention, and the intentional path I recommend is
this:

Schedule a 1.5 hour appointment with me for
therapy.

Make your second or third appointment a weekend “Getting the Love You Want” workshop.

Continue weekly couples therapy for three months, and/or…

Join my couples group and commit to six months of semi-monthly meetings

This path gives your relationship the initial boost into a restored connection, then you sustain the connection for three months while you and your partner co-create new positive patterns in your brain and lifestyle, so that ultimately you are living in a positive lifestyle that is characterized by fun, romance, connection, great communication, appreciative requests in lieu of complaints, and having each other’s back forever.