What Triggers You?
Trigger: The lever that discharges the firearm, right? The trigger doesn’t hurt you; it’s what it causes to happen that creates the pain.
Similarly, in many relationship conflicts, we get triggered. Think about it – is it the differences between us that’s causing the pain or what gets triggered; i.e., shame, inadequacy, fear of abandonment, etc. ? Then once we’re triggered, we likely start with defenses, which can usually cut deeper than a knife wound and take much longer to heal.
Understand that if you can talk (using the Imago dialogue of course!) about what got triggered rather than defending or demanding, criticizing or raising your voice, you will likely get some relief. You can get heard, understood, validated, and even empathy. This is healing work and brings you much closer to the connected feeling you really want.
The misunderstanding is just the trigger. It’s the old historical hurts that are causing defensive reactions, and ultimately perpetuating the pain. These need healing, and a safe dialogue is an AMAZING and effective and rewarding replacement for painful *reactions*.